I'm NOT pregnant. But I Sure Feel Skinny Now.

*Disclaimer: Parts of this post may be considered "TMI" please proceed with caution*

So, I was late this month if ya know what I mean. (There, I'm getting the TMI parts out of the way early. Feel free to read on, that's as graphic as it gets.)

The reasons this freaked me out are thusly:

1. EVERYONE I talk to lately has been asking me when I'm going to have another baby. My response is usually something like: when Luke stops being one.

2. I've had three people in the last two weeks ask if I'm expecting again. I do not know why this is occurring. I'm not even getting fatter! Maybe I was wearing the wrong sort of shirt or something. But gee...way to make me feel lovely guys. Upon discovering that I'm late this month, my mind of course immediately jumped to the conclusion that I MUST be pregnant if people are asking me about it.

3. Since Luke was a surprise, I'm pretty much convinced every single month that I'm pregnant. This month was no exception, but it WAS the first month that I was ACTUALLY late.

So, I finally broke down (my husband would snort himself silly if he read that, because he knows that 'broke down' actually means 'chomping at the bit') and bought a pregnancy test.

I was at Walmart.

So were about 25 other Mormons that I knew.

I managed to sneak the thing into my cart without any of them being the wiser, but it made me nervous and jumpy so the conversations I had with them were the most awkward conversations of all time: "Uh. Yeah. Hi. Good to see you. Is that your daughter in your cart? Oh..haha...yeah, I'm glad she's yours and not some random stranger's or something. That'd be weir...okay, yeah! You too. See ya."

So it was negative. But there was this blurry line in the place where the positive line is supposed to go, so (because I'm kind of baby hungry and simultaneously terrified of being pregnant ever, ever again) I naturally had to buy another test to make sure.

This time I chose the dollar store.

I had a feeling about this checker before she even rung me up. Something about the way she said, "Welcome to the Dollar Tree!" so cheerfully when I came in. I just knew she would say something about the test. I just knew.

Sure enough: "Ooooo. You're gonna be in trouble."

Not what I expected.

In the absence of my response, she repeated herself, but directed her comments at Luke. Because that's not creepy.

"She gonna be in trouble!"

Luke didn't answer, so I finally said, "No. We'd actually be pretty happy."

So then she told Luke that HE would be in trouble. So I told Luke to tell her that he would be excited. He didn't.

But I think she got the message.

ANYWHOO...lest I keep you all at the edge of your seats that test was VERY DEFINITELY negative so. No new Hawks yet. Which is actually probably a good thing *sigh* since Luke is still so little. But it was an exciting adventure nonetheless.

The Expression Should Be: "Grows Like a Luke"

Now that Luke is walking everywhere and is sitting in a 'big boy' car seat, he seems more and more like a toddler and less and less like a baby. These developments are bitter sweet.

                             What happened to my wrinkled, squishy, immobile lump of cute?

Now he's a rambunctious, curious mover with an aptitude for flirting the likes of which I have never beheld in one so young.



He also sleeps through the night. Which is a bonus. And he feeds himself (when he isn't delighting in throwing corn on the floor and or rubbing pizza enthusiastically into his long, blond hair).

He knows the word "ball" because balls are his favorite things in the entire world short of myself and daddy. He has one in his hand at all times and frequently engages whomever is handy in a game of catch. And gosh darn it if he isn't the most accurate little aimer you've ever seen. He's got quite the arm.

He knows the word "dada".

He says "mama" when he's upset or wants to get out of his crib or needs a good hug, but I'm not sure that he associates that word with me 100% of the time. Whereas with "dada", if I ask Luke "Where is daddy?" he toddles off to find him or points and says "dada!" He's not quite doing that with "mama" yet.

He knows where his toes are. I tell him "Luke, get your toes" and he does. Because he's a genius basically.

He points at everything.

He knows the ASL signs for "more", "eat", "bottle" and "out".

He throws a mighty fit when he doesn't get what he wants. And what he wants is usually my cell phone. And what he wants with my cell phone is usually the marvelous reaction I give when he throws it on the floor with violent force.


But he's easily distracted.

I delight in him every single day. Being his mommy is the best thing in the whole, wide world.  I love watching the world through his discoveries. I can't believe that he's walking now! What a big boy he is. And what a joy.

That One Time When I Stood Up To Two (probable) Attackers To Defend My Baby

Yesterday Michelle, Luke and I were at my parent's house alone. Someone knocked. Michelle looked out the peep-hole.

Me: "Who is it?"
Her: "I dunno. A big, Mexican guy. I don't know him."
Me:"Don't answer it."

Already you must ask. Was this interaction racist?
Firstly, if the guy had been large and white, would Michelle have referenced his race at all? Would she have said "I dunno. A big, white guy. I don't know him." No. She probably would have said, "I dunno. Some big dude. I don't know him." Now, I don't know that that necessarily implies racism. I think if Michelle and I were black (and let's face it, we've both got an inner, fabulous black girl) and a strange white person had knocked on the door, we would have undoubtedly referenced his race. HOWEVER; the underlying fear I had in the pit of my stomach...was THAT racism? Or was it just stranger danger made more prominent on accounta the helpless baby child that I am sworn to protect?

Let's explore the issue further:
A moment passes. The man rattles the gate again. (Fun fact, our doorbell is broken and we keep our front gate locked so as to keep strangers at a distance when we answer the door. It becomes a problem that people can't knock. Or ring a bell. Or in any other way signal their desire to converse with the dwelling's inhabitants.) He rattles again. Michelle and I both look at each other with a, "I wish he'd go away, he's making me nervous" face.

Then....he yells. "Is anybody home??"
"What the crap?" I say, traipsing with my baby over to the peep-hole. I peer out. I'm shocked and worried to discover that he has removed the fake, plastic rock that offers an aesthetically pleasing cover for the myriad of wires and other such uglies that sit in the front yard. That's when I notice there are two of them, and they're rummaging through the wires and such.
"What the crap?" I repeat. And I fling the door open, my heart beating a million miles a minute as I cling tightly onto my helpless baby child.
They look up, surprised. They stutter and seem ashamed for some reason.
Hm.
Me: "Um. Can I help you?"
Them: "Yeah. Uh. Your...the man...your dad? The guy who lives here...he wanted us to do the yard."
Pause.
In my mind: 'We have gardeners already. Why would my dad have hired new ones? The old ones were here yesterday. I'm so confused. These guys are totally ripping us off right now. I have no idea what to do in this situation. They're probably going to ask to come in and I'll have to let them because I don't know how to say no. Then, they're going to steal Luke. I can't let that happen! I must DO something! I must say no! I mustn't let them rape me! I need to say something, I've been standing here thinking for about 5 minutes now in complete silence!'
Them: "Uh. Can we talk to him?"
Pause
In my mind: 'Crap. He's not home. I don't want to TELL them he's not home...then they'll know there is no man here and there are two of them and they're big guys and we're all helpless and female-like. They will undoubtedly force their way in through the metal gate -undoubtedly they have the strength of Herculean gods and will merely pry the bars apart. However, if I tell them my dad will be home in five minutes, they will come back in five minutes. And he won't be back in five minutes. But I can't tell them that. They'll steal Luke! I must stop them! I mustn't let them rape me! Crap. I need to say something, I've been standing here in silence again.'
Me: "Uh."
Them: *Awkward shuffle*
In my mind: 'I should probably figure out if they're imposters. I have a fool-proof way to decide. Ha! At last I know what to say. And I will sound intimidating and fierce and assertive and I'll probably scare the pants off of them.'
Me: "Um. Whatcha doin' with that rock?"
Them: "Oh. We're...it's the...the sprinklers. We're supposed to fix the sprinklers."
Michelle: "Oh yeah...dad did mention that the other day. Here, I'll give you his number so you can call him."

And then they fixed our sprinklers.
And I felt stupid.
And a little racist.
And a little like a fierce mama lion; ready and willing to protect her youngling by any means necessary.

Testimony

We should be able to tell the people we love what we're thinking, even if we're wrong, without being afraid that it will alter the amount they love us. My husband has a theory that you can tell anyone anything if you say it in the right way. Part of me agrees with this and the other part disagrees. Sometimes, the truth is hard to hear but sometimes we have to be told what the truth is anyway. Hearing the truth come from someone who you consider to be 'beneath you' would be even harder than hearing the truth come directly from God or a parent or a leader...but it's still the truth. Even if it comes in a somewhat humbling form, the responsibility to recognize truth regardless of the package it is delivered in, is ours.

There are so many things I'd like to say to so many people I love, but I feel conflicted between my desire to pound the truth into their skulls and my desire to keep them in my life without changing the nature of our relationship. Though the circumstances for each of these people differ greatly, the heart of the truth that I'd gladly scream off of rooftops if I thought that would change any opinions is this:

The Church of Jesus Christ has been restored. It is on the Earth today in its fullness. God lives! He hears and answers prayers. He loves ALL of His children. Jesus Christ is the Savior of the world. He lived and died for us because He loves us more than we can possibly imagine. He doesn't just love the 'good' parts...He loves ALL of you! He wants you to be with Him. He wants you to return. Heavenly Father commissioned Christ to create a path for us to follow that will lead us back to Him. Thanks to modern day revelation, we know what that path is. There is one church, one baptism and one God. It doesn't matter what you believe...this is the reality: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is His church restored on the Earth today. The Book of Mormon is a true book that was written by ancient prophets. It testifies of Christ and tells of His visit to the American continent after His crucifixion. The church is true. The people aren't perfect, but God, who leads and directs His church IS perfect. He will work out all the kinks. And He loves you.

You can't possibly begin to imagine how much He loves you.

What a beautiful thing to believe. Why wouldn't you want to?

True Love

I am in love with love.

Not being in love, not falling in love...I am in love with true love.

I just read an article that blew my mind. Many people probably thought it was about same-sex attraction and I will admit that it was an underlying theme, but no. It was about true love. My mind was blown in about seven different directions. I feel like I understand what true love is more deeply then I ever, ever have. I want to shout this quote from rooftops and make people understand what it means:

“I think so many people rely on their hormones and/or their emotions to drive them that they get stuck feeling for their spouse whatever those things tell them to feel. And then if they try to feel otherwise, to love their spouse more than what hormones or emotions tell them to, they feel like they’re doing their spouse a favor rather than recognizing that they hadn’t understood how to truly love in the first place.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW EARTH-SHATTERINGLY PERFECT THAT QUOTE IS??

True love is not connected to hormones. Hormones are just a nice little bonus that Heavenly Father gave us to help us enjoy falling in and being in love. But hormones, while nice, are temporal attributes of love. True love -the kind of love that Heavenly Father feels for us, the kind that Christ exemplified every day of His earthly life- is eternal. It is Celestial. It is spiritual.

This article absolutely, positively changed my life and the way I view love. I highly recommend it. Here's the link:

http://mormonlife.com/story/68799-living-with-same-sex-attraction-our-story

A Controversy Makes For Exciting Blogging Material(An accidental double post)

Today, while I was doing my daily facebook stalking, I was reading a friend's status update. It was about gay marriage. The chain of comments that followed were also about gay marriage. And more specifically about how 'stupid' and 'ignorant' and 'hateful' and 'ugly' the people who oppose gay marriage are. For WEEKS now, this subject has been bothering me, but I haven't said anything about it yet so now my thoughts have built to this point where my they are a bit too lengthy to fit in a status update. Thus, I blog. I thought I'd use the few thoughts that I used for my status update as a starting point and we'd go from there. 

I'm glad that I have such a diverse group of friends and that you all have strong opinions and are willing to share them. HOWEVER; hating people who hate gay people (WRONG though they may be) is hypocritical. Hating people who are against gay marriage, but who DON'T necessarily hate gay people (no, those two life views are not synonymous) is worse than hypocritical. It's ugly. It's mean. And you are wrong to do it. Spouting hate in ANY direction is wrong. If you believe in gay marriage, good for you...defend it. But leave those of us who defend traditional marriage alone to do as we believe is right.

For the record, I am against gay marriage. I believe in the sanctification of marriage for both religious and social reasons. Mostly, I believe that the term 'marriage' is defined as being a union between a man and a woman and that when a gay or lesbian desire to be joined, they are entering into a different kind of agreement. They can't be entering into a marriage because marriage is not defined as a union of two people who love each other. If two people who love each other and just happen to be two females or two males desire to be joined together contractually and spend the rest of their lives together, that is just fine...it just has to be called something different because it is a different kind of union. 

This is not a position of hate. It is not a position of ignorance. I have no fear of or hatred towards homosexuals. Some of my favorite people in the world just happen to be gay. I have no desire to keep gay people apart. I have no agenda to 'eradicate' them from society. I am a live and let live kinda gal. Your choices are your choices. HOWEVER, when you start trying to legally change the definition of something that has the potential to directly affect me and my ability to choose, I have to stand up against it. 

I don't want to go into any more detail about my beliefs about gay marriage than I already have. That's not what this post is about...if you have more questions, please feel free to ask me. I'm always up for a discussion about it. 
The point of this entry, however, is this: disagreeing with me is one thing; you are entitled to your opinion; BULLYING me, berating me, hating me, or verbally assaulting me because of my beliefs is a different thing entirely. It is completely hypocritical, morally objectionable, inappropriate and just plain rude. Just because someone thinks differently than you, doesn't mean you have the right to be condescending or judgmental. Isn't that one of the reasons you get so annoyed with the 'Christians' who spout off horrible comments about gays? Aren't you exuding the VERY BEHAVIOR you are seeking to abolish? 

You are allowed to express your opinion and I'm allowed to express mine. But can't we do so lovingly, understandingly and with regard to everyone's right to believe as they choose? I don't deserve to be called a bigot or hateful or any of the other things I just read in those comments. You don't know me. You don't know what I believe. You don't try to understand it or see where I'm coming from...you just label me and put me in a category because of something I believe in. 

Rude. 

Just stop it. 

A Controversy Makes For Exciting Blogging Material

Today, while I was doing my daily facebook stalking, I was reading a friend's status update. It was about gay marriage. The chain of comments that followed were also about gay marriage. And more specifically about how 'stupid' and 'ignorant' and 'hateful' and 'ugly' the people who oppose gay marriage are. For WEEKS now, this subject has been bothering me, but I haven't said anything about it yet so now my thoughts have built to this point where my they are a bit too lengthy to fit in a status update. Thus, I blog. I thought I'd use the few thoughts that I used for my status update as a starting point and we'd go from there. 

I'm glad that I have such a diverse group of friends and that you all have strong opinions and are willing to share them. HOWEVER; hating people who hate gay people (WRONG though they may be) is hypocritical. Hating people who are against gay marriage, but who DON'T necessarily hate gay people (no, those two life views are not synonymous) is worse than hypocritical. It's ugly. It's mean. And you are wrong to do it. Spouting hate in ANY direction is wrong. If you believe in gay marriage, good for you...defend it. But leave those of us who defend traditional marriage alone to do as we believe is right.

For the record, I am against gay marriage. I believe in the sanctification of marriage for both religious and social reasons. Mostly, I believe that the term 'marriage' is defined as being a union between a man and a woman and that when a gay or lesbian desire to be joined, they are entering into a different kind of agreement. They can't be entering into a marriage because marriage is not defined as a union of two people who love each other. If two people who love each other and just happen to be two females or two males desire to be joined together contractually and spend the rest of their lives together, that is just fine...it just has to be called something different because it is a different kind of union. 

This is not a position of hate. It is not a position of ignorance. I have no fear of or hatred towards homosexuals. Some of my favorite people in the world just happen to be gay. I have no desire to keep gay people apart. I have no agenda to 'eradicate' them from society. I am a live and let live kinda gal. Your choices are your choices. HOWEVER, when you start trying to legally change the definition of something that has the potential to directly affect me and my ability to choose, I have to stand up against it. 

I don't want to go into any more detail about my beliefs about gay marriage than I already have. That's not what this post is about...if you have more questions, please feel free to ask me. I'm always up for a discussion about it. 
The point of this entry, however, is this: disagreeing with me is one thing; you are entitled to your opinion; BULLYING me, berating me, hating me, or verbally assaulting me because of my beliefs is a different thing entirely. It is completely hypocritical, morally objectionable, inappropriate and just plain rude. Just because someone thinks differently than you, doesn't mean you have the right to be condescending or judgmental. Isn't that one of the reasons you get so annoyed with the 'Christians' who spout off horrible comments about gays? Aren't you exuding the VERY BEHAVIOR you are seeking to abolish? 

You are allowed to express your opinion and I'm allowed to express mine. But can't we do so lovingly, understandingly and with regard to everyone's right to believe as they choose? I don't deserve to be called a bigot or hateful or any of the other things I just read in those comments. You don't know me. You don't know what I believe. You don't try to understand it or see where I'm coming from...you just label me and put me in a category because of something I believe in. 

Rude. 

Just stop it.