Friday, September 9, 2011

Sometimes I Hate Loving

Why do I have to love so many people? Why do they all have to be so spread apart and all in different parts of the world?

I'm homesick for Utah.

I know, I know...the grass is always greener. And honestly, I would NOT be doing well in Utah. I don't know how I would even be functioning. Being here has been the biggest blessing of all time. I have so much support and love here from family and friends and I just can't imagine raising this boy without all of this help. So I'm not saying I wish I had stayed there, but I do wish I could pick up and take a week long trip there.

I miss everyone there so much.

I miss Sarah and Marie and Jana. I didn't get to play with them as often as I should have, but being there briefly was long enough to make me realize how much I love them and I LOVE hanging out with them. I cherish the times we had together. They threw me a 21st birthday party seven days after I'd gotten to Provo and didn't know anyone or have anything to do that day. Jana's birthday is the day after mine, so she threw us a combined party. How amazing is it that she was willing to share that day with me? I just love those girls. All three of them. There are few people in this world who can make me laugh so hard my abs hurt, but almost every time we play, I leave feeling like I've had a good work-out. I love their taste in music and movies and books. I love how Sarah laughs. I love how Marie tells stories. I love how Jana throws parties. I love how they all kind of took me under their wing while I was transitioning from here to there. And I miss them.

I miss Kyla. She's sort of a soul sister of mine. Our friendship was some sort of weird destiny. It had to be. She's one of those people in my life that I KNOW was put there for a reason. Our meeting was just so beautifully bizarre. I love that girl. She is one of the kindest, most giving people you will ever know. You have to consider yourself blessed to have that girl in your life. My heart literally breaks for missing her so badly. =(

I miss Shem's family. I can't even name them all individually because there are just so many that I miss. But I do. I miss them. I miss driving down to Bountiful on Sundays and visiting with them.

I miss Jake and Shana. I'm sad we haven't met their newest little girl and they haven't been able to meet Luke.

I miss BYU. I miss being a Cougar. I miss that life that I almost had. I miss the mountains and the fall weather.

I miss my roommates; Melissa, Camille and Siara. I miss our late-night talks.

I miss Raintree. I miss hanging out until all hours of the night and being silly with strangers who come over to our apartment just because they want to be social.

I miss that life.

Don't get me wrong...I am SO happy. So, so happy with my life. I am head-over-heels in love with my husband. I am absolutely smitten with Luke. I love where we are. But every once in a while, my heart aches for that life we almost had. The one where we finished school in Utah. Shem at UVU and me at BYU. The one where we had a little more money and a little more time to be just us.

And then I see my little perfect little boy who I know is supposed to be here now and is my pride and joy....and I feel awful for missing that life. I feel so guilty for having this little part of me that wonders what it would have been like if our plans had turned out the way we hoped they would.

I just need to remind myself that this is my truth. This is my life. This is my son. And I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world. And I wouldn't trade where I am and being around the family and friends that I have. I am so grateful for them. I am so grateful for this place and these people. These are the people who made my heart ache when I was in Provo. I missed them so much. And see...this is why sometimes I hate loving so much. Why does it always have to hurt?

I guess it's not the loving that I hate. It's the missing that I hate. It's the miles that separate us that I hate.

So, I have a plan. Everyone that I love needs to agree upon a location and just move there. Capiche?

What a blessing to love so many people so much that I wish I could split myself into a million pieces and be with everyone all the time. It really is a wonder that our hearts can get so big.

So. I'll take suggestions for locations. Ready? Go.


  1. Can I just say that I relate to this so much? Every sentence that didn't include having a son right now? It was perfect.

    Also, please don't turn into a million horcruxes just for the sake of giving everyone a piece. It's just not worth it :)

  2. Hawaii. Done.
    And thank you for what you said. I think that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me! Seriously that means so much. I love and miss you mucho as well. And I vote you come for Thanksgiving!!! PLLEEEEASE! I know you'll stay with Shem's fam but seriously, if it doesn't work, I have room. And I will take that boy into the other room so you can sleep and he and I will even go out on the town the next day so you can still sleep! Love your guts!!

  3. I'm not sure why I didn't see this post before today, but I finally read it and I loved it and it made me tear up and I love you and I miss you and I want to see you and I want to hold Luke and kiss him and tell him what an amazing person he is and how blessed he is to have such a loving, caring, passionate momma and daddy. I totally get the whole hating to miss people thing. I hate it too. Maybe we can start a colony of the people we love most in the world. We could have it on an island that's totally self-sufficient. And everyone would stay there forever and we'd never have to miss anyone cuz we'd all be together. *sigh*

    You're amazing, love. Give Luke a kiss from cousin Sarah.