Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Cloud of Stink

I have a really good 'would you rather' question for you.

Would you rather have ridiculously LOUD farts, or ridiculously SMELLY farts? The conditions are thusly: The loud farts don't smell. Ever. Like anything. But they DEFINITELY came from you. There's just no denying it. Whereas the smelly farts are completely silent. But potent. Maybe they even evoke gag reflexes every now and again.

Things to consider:
With the loud farts, being in an enclosed space with a bunch of strangers would pretty much be the most awkward situation ever. It's not like you can just explain to them all that it won't be smelly. Because I'm pretty sure at that point, none of them care. They're just waiting till they can get out of the elevator and burst into hysteric laughter. On the other hand, being in a small space with the noxious gas from the smelly fart wafting around would be slow and painful torture for you and everyone else on board. You could, however, pretend to be just as mystified and offended by the odor as the rest of the riders.

It's hard to argue this one for either. Pretty much you're done for either way. Unless it's a group date and you can pretend that the horrific odor floating around didn't emanate from your person. But if you're alone in a car with this special person, there's just no recuperating from either a loud or a smelly fart. Maybe if you went with the loud farts, you could both laugh really hard about it and then you could tell your date that your farts never stink...they're just really loud. Depending on the nature of the date, this could either be a terrific ice breaker, or the ultimate deal-breaker. Maybe that'd be a good weeding process, actually. Hm. Maybe I'll recommend this to my single friends who have loud wind.

It's silent. People are worshiping. You are stuffed into one room with many people and are all sharing really uncomfortable pews. The organ is playing a mournful but beautiful prelude song. There are pictures of Jesus. You tell me...loud? Or smelly? Pretty much you feel like you're goin' to Hell either way.

One step up from church. Maybe with an extra helping of awkward if there's an open casket. Ooo! Pick smelly! Maybe the potent fumes will be shocking enough bring the deceased back to life. Then you'd be a hero.

Alright. I'm sincerely interested. What are your thoughts?

I should tell you that the reason I ask is because I have loud farts and my husband has smelly ones. We did not get to choose this. It was chosen for us. But sometimes I wonder if I'd trade if I could. And then he lets one rip. As I inhale, I decide (firmly) that I would not trade under any circumstances. My farts are funny. They induce joy, laughter and seldom clear a room. His induce suffering, offense and burning eye balls.


  1. Oh my gosh. We are meant to be. I'm laughing so hard that I'm crying. This is freaking hilarious. I love the words you use to describe everything. Aaaaand I'm forwarding this to my aunt who has fart competitions with me. Tonight she called it "Leaving a bit of her personality behind her" ha ha ha. I vote loud because you can still giggle without dying of toxic fumes that turn you into Two-Face from Batman. The end.

  2. Alicia, my love. You have to know that this post made me laugh. I had flashbacks to similar silly conversations with my siblings. You're definitely blood related. haha

    I think I'd rather have the loud farts than the smelly ones. Mine, sadly, go either way, and sometimes both.

  3. Haha, my goodness. David will testify that I am a very gassy girl. And my farts are like me -- very vocal. But, like yours, my farts rarely stink. And even though David makes fun of me all the time, I'm quite content with my loud fluffy farts that don't cause gagging and/or blindness.

  4. You are too funny! I love it! I think I might go for the loud

  5. FLUFFY FARTS! Oh man. I'm totally stealing that. That is brilliant.